When you’re first deciding how to come out, you might feel overwhelmed, anxious, or afraid. Or, you might feel excited at the prospect of what your life will be like when you can live as your most authentic self.
No matter how you feel about coming out, it’s totally normal.
Coming out is a big deal, and you can (and should!) honor and celebrate however you’re feeling.
When it comes to the specific details of how you’d like to come out, there are a few things you can do to help keep yourself safe and confident in your identity.
13 Tips for Coming Out
When you’re considering how to come out, many people feel uncertain about whether they should. One of the reasons you might feel uncertain about coming out is a feeling that you don’t “really” fit with the label you want to choose for yourself.
“What if I’m not really gay?”
“What if I’m not really bisexual?”
“What if I’m not really trans?”
It’s ok to still be exploring. Remember that gender and sexuality are fluid, and learning about yourself is always a good thing. And it’s ok to come out even if you aren’t totally sure whether you’re bi or gay, trans or non-binary.
The true LGBTQIA+ meaning includes those who are questioning as well.
The most important thing you can do when deciding whether to come out is to think about your future. What would your life look like if you felt free to really be yourself around your friends, family, and community? How would you feel?
Don’t just plan to come out.
Make affirming, optimistic plans for after you come out, too.
1. Remember: This Is About You, Not Others
Many times, when people are creating plans for how to come out, they spend a lot of time worrying about the reaction of the people they’re coming out to.
And that’s definitely not something to take lightly, but remember:
This isn’t their life, body, or identity. It’s yours.
Coming out is about you living your happiest, healthiest, most authentic life. Throughout this whole process, take care of yourself and do what makes you comfortable.
2. Identify Your Support System
You might feel like you don’t know who you can trust. If you’re not out to anyone, how can you know who will accept you?
Coming out can be scary, but listen to your intuition. Deep down, you already know who will accept and love you unconditionally.
If you aren’t sure, make testing the waters a part of your plan for how to come out. You can try any number of things.
Invite family or friends you want to come out to over to watch a show or movie that centers on the experiences of LGBTQ+ characters. Hang a pride flag outside your home, if you are okay with the public show of support. Attend LGBTQ+ events in your community.
Watch how they react and ask questions about their thoughts and feelings about the LGBTQ+ community. Feeling out their general opinions is a great way to confirm who belongs in your support system.
3. Decide Who You Want To Come Out To
Who you come out to is completely your choice. Many people prefer coming out to friends or family members they’re already sure will be supportive first. When you do this, accept their support and encouragement. Remember that no matter what happens, they’re cheering you on!
You might want to ask those people for support when you come out to family or friends who may not be as supportive.
Knowing that they’re there for you can give you confidence in your decision and a secure landing pad to come back to if things go awry.
4. Decide When You Want To Come Out
There’s no need to feel rushed.
How to come out and when to come out aren’t standardized. There’s no rule book, and there’s no way to do it “wrong.”
Deciding when you want to come out can involve all kinds of factors. You might need to schedule time on someone’s calendar to ensure you have their dedicated attention, you may want to be in public, or you might choose to make things more casual in your own home.
5. Take It At Your Own Pace
Some people choose to come out all at once with a public social media post or mass text. Others move more slowly, telling only a few people at a time. How to come out should be completely up to your personal comfort levels.
There’s no right time to come out for the first time, and there’s no right time to come out to everyone. Share as much or as little about your LGBTQ+ experience as you’re comfortable with, whenever and with whoever feels right to you.
6. Plan Out What You Want To Say…
You don’t need a script for coming out, but when you’re planning for how to come out, practice might help. Try talking about your sexual orientation, gender identity, gender pronouns, and anything else you want to come out about to yourself in the mirror. You can also try journaling to make it feel more natural.
Remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re not confessing to a crime. This isn’t a terminal illness.
This is you – at your happiest and most real.
The more you can say it to yourself, the easier it will be to say it to someone else.
7. … And How You Want To Say It.
You can communicate with anyone in many different ways. When it comes to how to come out, choose whatever will feel comfortable and safe for you. Talking face-to-face can allow you to more closely gauge what the other person might be feeling.
A video or phone call can give you a personal connection while maintaining some healthy space. If things start to go badly, you can hang up. And you can both have physical space to process the conversation whether it goes well or badly.
A text, email, or letter gives you lots of space and lots of time. There’s no immediate expectation for a response, and you can write and re-write until you have an answer that feels right. You can both take a moment to handle your emotions before you continue the conversation.
8. Settle Into a Safe, Quiet Place
Again, there’s no answer book for how to come out.
That being said, most people will probably prefer a safe, quiet place for this conversation. Somewhere loud and public may put you and the person you’re coming out to more on edge or afraid to show emotions, adding extra tension to the conversation.
9. Prepare For Questions
Even the most supportive people in your life might have questions about your experience. When you’re preparing a plan for how to come out, make space to answer them. Many of these people have known you a long time, so they’re likely to be curious about what “changed”.
It’s always ok to say, “I don’t know” or “it’s always been this way.”
Don’t feel pressure to have it all figured out. Exploring and changing isn’t a bad thing!
10. Prepare For Resistance
Not all the questions people ask you will be in good faith. Sometimes, people who aren’t supportive of your identity will ask questions to make you doubt yourself or change your mind.
These might include:
Isn’t that a mental illness?
Didn’t gay people cause AIDS?
Aren’t trans people in sports cheating by getting moved to a different gender category?
These aren’t questions asked in good faith, and you don’t have to answer them.
Remember, this is about you and your identity. Your experiences don’t and can’t encompass every member of the LGBTQ+ community, the political agendas that are pushed against it, or the stereotypes and misunderstandings that someone might have encountered.
11. Affirm Your Identity To Yourself
Part of planning how to come out is planning to take care of yourself. This starts with affirming your identity to yourself through this whole process. Even when someone isn’t supportive, you can still care for yourself.
Show up in LGBTQ+ spaces – online and in-person – and engage with other members of the community. Journal about how you’re feeling, and look back on any journal pages where you write about feeling happy and affirmed in your identity. If you’re trans, make gender-affirming choices in how you dress or do your self-care.
12. Take Time To Rest and Recover
Even when it goes well, coming out is hard and tiring.
Take time to let your body and mind rest and recover from the stress and anxiety of coming out. Do gentle movements like walks or yoga to release tension, engage in your favorite hobbies, and get plenty of sleep.
Whatever self-care looks like for you, do lots of it!
13. Don’t Let Anyone Force You Into a Conversation
Whether you’re planning for how to come out or you’ve already come out, don’t let anyone force you into a conversation about your identity that you’re not ready and 100% comfortable having. Whether they’re asking questions you aren’t ready to answer, demanding a religious answer to your identity, or refusing to stop pushing political topics, you don’t have to answer.
If you aren’t ready to have a conversation with someone, let them know and then change the subject.
If they keep pushing your boundaries, it’s ok to get some space.
14. Find Additional, Local Coming Out Resources
The people in your support system don’t have to be your only coming-out resources. Your local LGBT community can support you, too. Seeing that you aren’t alone is a powerful thing, especially if coming out didn’t go as you expected.
And if there are people in your life who want to learn how to be an LGBT ally, the people who run your community center can share their experiences and tips with you and your loved ones.
What to Do with a Negative Response: Protecting Yourself
Sadly, coming out doesn’t always have a happy ending. Violent homophobic and transphobic views can blind people to the truth of who their LGBTQ+ loved one truly is. Instead of seeing the happy, fulfilled person that you are, they see something “broken” or “wrong.”
When this happens, it may be necessary to protect yourself. If you’re still living with the person you’re coming out to, have a plan for how to come out and stay safe. Find someone who would be willing to let you stay with them ahead of time, and if you’re being verbally or physically abused as a result of coming out, go and stay with that person.
Do not be afraid to take a step back from relationships where someone is attacking your identity, using harmful stereotypes, or being unkind about your choice to come out. This might mean taking a break from communication or letting the person know you aren’t ready to speak with them again until they can be respectful and kind.
Your safety is important.
If you’re planning to come out, but you’re not sure about your safety in a given situation, prioritize your safety.
You will have time to come out when you can be safe and supported.
Living As Your Most Authentic Self
When you’re researching how to come out, you might feel very alone. The good news is, you’re never alone here. Many, many people have come out before you, and each one had a unique experience with different people who supported them, loved them, and made them feel understood.
At SFMGC, we started the RYTHYM Program to share LGBTQ+ history and experiences with more than 10,000 students via the power of music. We don’t want a single person to feel that coming out means they’ll be alone. And we work hard to foster a supportive community of LGBTQ+ individuals and allies each and every day.
You were never alone.
Thousands of people have done this before, and we’re waiting to welcome you with open arms.
To support SFMGC’s mission please consider making a donation.